Dad Jokes

I think everyone here at at least 1 or more dad jokes. So this thread is dedicated to all those dad jokes that we know and love/hate.

So I will start this off with the following:

Q: What are the X-Men’s most feared nemesis?

A: X-Wives

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What did the Aussie merino say to the shearer after he was shorn? You-clipped-us…

What do Winnie the Pooh and Attila the Hun have in common? The same middle name!


What did the farmer say when he saw the cow on his roof?

Get down


Ok here goes.
I was once knocked out cold in a bar.
I was out with my friends when we noticed 3 voluptuous ladies at the bar speaking in a thick accent.
My friends dared me to go talk to them.
So never needing a dare I walked up to the ladies and said.
“Hi there , tell me ,are u 3 ladies from Scotland?”
One looked at me and with a snarl said
“Wales you idiot , Wales.”
I replied
“My aplogies,
Are you 3 Whales from Scotland?”
Last thing i remember


If you got a moth ball in one and a moth ball in the other hand, what have you got.

A bloody big moth.


Q What’s the difference between Kim Kardashian and a Kit Kat

A You can only get 4 fingers in a kit Kat


Gee whiz some of the jokes in here are a bit rough for Dad jokes.

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Where do sheep like to shop…Woolworths
What is a good name for a ewe…Baaaaarbra
What is a sheep’s favourite cake…lambington
What football team will sheep not support…Wolves


Which one of the Spice Girls can carry the most fuel?
Gerry can.


I was driving and came along a guy with 3 heads, no arms and one leg, so i pulled over to give him a lift, I said,
“Hello, hello, hello, you look 'armless, hope in”

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How do you get a Nun Pregnant?

You Fuck her


A cave man was walking around and come across a huge wooly mammoth dead on the ground.
As he walked around the dead beast he saw another cave man sitting next to the carcass.

He approached the cave man and asked him
“What killed this?”
“I did!” the other cave man proudly exclaimed.
“Holy crap” said the first cave man “What did you use?”
Again with proud gusto “my club” he gleefully said.
“No way!” said the first caveman, “how big is your club?”
The second caveman replied.
"Oh there’s about 100 of us I suppose "


This one is my favourite so far, @The-Flash

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I went for a job as an echo …
Didn’t hear back

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I don’t like vacuum cleaners…I think they suck.

I had to get rid of my vacuum cleaner…It was just collecting dust.

My two Nudists mates split up yesterday they said they were seeing to much off each other.

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An old couple are on their 70th wedding anniversary and the wife asks her hubby what he’d like for a gift. The Hubby replies I have never had a blowjob in all our time together I’d really love a blowjob.

Wife replies ONLY IF YOU RESPECT ME IN THE MORNING. . Fine no problem says the Hubby.

She goes about her business and gives her Hubby the best night of his life and they finally got to sleep both satisfied with what just took place.

Early that next morning the phone rings and the wife asks can you get that for me darling as they both lay motionless and exhausted from the hard nights work before.

The Hubby replies Answer it yourself ya rotten old cocksucker


I have 2 very dear friends.
Linda and Jenny who are in a relationship and live below me in my unit block.
We often would get together as friends have dinner wine and movie night.
On around my birthday Linda called and said she and Jenny would like to come around with a bottle of wine and a gift they got for my birthday.
She said
“you will really like what we got you. Its something u always mention u wanted”
So up came Linda and Jenny with the wine and a small package saying" Happy birthday we hope u like your gift."
Excited I opened the small package and to my suprise it was a watch.
I had a confused look and Jenny asked
“Is everything ok”
I said “yes , its lovely but why a watch ?”
“Well” she said “Everytime were all together you look at me and Linda and always say that for your birthday you wanna watch!”


The De Belin case?